#on god if i get sick this trip ill be real sad

[sparklehoard]

I cant believe I'm going off to Los Angeles in 14 days 🥺🥺🥺

[angelic-ambedo]

The Weirdest Fucking Movies I've Ever seen Pt. 1

Okay so I sort of champion myself as a lover of weird movies. And it's funny because regardless of how many I've seen, every time I watch a weird movie I genuinely feel as if it is the weirdest movie I've ever seen in my life.

So, I decided to make a list which compiles all of said weird movies and then a description of why I find each so uniquely weird. If you find any of these descriptions or titles intriguing, I recommend you seek these movies out, because a weird movie = a good life ya know so yeah

If you have more weird movies please please recommend them im hungry for new crazy cinema bebesssss

Eraserhead (1977) - genuinely makes no sense.

Coherence (2013) - trippy scientifically interesting thriller

Some Velvet Morning (2013) - abusive cat n mouse relationship

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) - emotional violence

Greener Grass (2019) - let's shame suburbia!

Trash Humpers (2009) - people fucking the trash...?

Julien Donkey-Boy (1999) - mental illness be so sad and trippy

Gummo (1997) - literal photo album of a dysfunctional town

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006) - bulimia PSA in disguise

Black Bear (2020) - art seeps into the "real" world

Begotten (1990) - god kills himself

Trouble Every Day (2001) - eating people presented as...a turn on?

Baise-Moi (2000) - punk feminist murderous women are sick and society sux

Palindromes (2004) - one character is played by a ton of different actors of different ages, races, and sexes

964 Pinocchio (1991) - so much vomit, even more cyberpunk lobotomy sex machine madness

Meet the Feebles (1989) - the muppets give each other STDs and commit mass murder

In the Realm of the Senses (1976) - a torrid, pornographic affair used to escape the horrors of a war-torn world

Enter the Void (2009) - going to the past, present, and future, POV shots that include blinking, going inside the body, taboo themes with a psychedelic style

Love (2015) - horny pseudo-porno about a misogynistic asshole who somehow pulls hot, sexually adventurous women

Climax (2018) - LSD fueled nightmare

Pink Flamingos (1972) - a competition to be the "filthiest person alive" (spoiler alert: the cool drag queen wins)

Vivarium (2019) - Suburbia is still creepy, guys

Be My Cat: A Film for Anne (2015) - can we please stop having erotomania like celebrities aren't into u babe :(

No No Nooky TV (1987) - Computers being cool and saying "boobs" and "clit"

The Piano Teacher (2001) - unsafe nonconsensual bdsm and sexual repression is...no. please no.

The Night Porter (1974) - stockholm syndrome and wild bdsm stuff with postwar themes

Belle de Jour (1967) - more bdsm themes

Titane (2021) - woman fucks a car and gets pregnant

Daisies (1966) - two girls cut up pickles and destroy the patriarchy

Creep 1 and 2 (2014, 2017) - murder has never been this funny

Garbanzo Gas (2007) - a human cow gets an all-expenses paid trip to a motel before it hits the slaughterhouse

Melancholie der Engel (2009) - ew.

In Our Garden (2002) - old men dicks + weirdest dialogue I've ever heard in my life

The Rehearsal (TV series) (2022) - this is the ultimate weirdest thing ever and I don't know how else to categorize it.

Trigger Warnings (all of these movies are weird/fucked up but some of them contain actual fucked up stuff that like. happened in real life. so below are the triggers for that kind of stuff. All of these films are genuine films, not the gore stuff the internet produces, but some of them because of the country/time period/transgressiveness include content that is inappropriate and/or ethically unacceptable, so I've included those movies below)

Baise-Moi - unsimulated sex scenes which includes SA scenes that actors consented to but characters did not. this proves a feminist point but is still incredibly upsetting and stayed with me for a while as there are close ups and its awful.

In the Realm of the Senses - Please look into this one more before you watch it, I'm not going to describe things in detail because it makes me so uncomfortable but there are some scenes that involve young actors that should not ethically have been in the situations they were put in. The movie is exceptionally well made and from what I know globally respected so I don't know why they had to ruin it for me but whatever.

Pink Flamingos - One infamous scene involves an actual chicken death. It was the early 70s (long time ago and no PETA) and they apparently ate the chicken afterward, so I felt less immoral about this one but still gross.

Melancholie der Engel - okay please genuinely never watch this movie unless you're super into traumatizing yourself and are very desensitized I guess. There's a ton of actual animal abuse in very very graphic/unnecessarily disturbing shock type situations. There's other bad unsimulated stuff but this is the worst of it from what I know.

Love and Meet the Feebles contain scenes that are transphobic and/or racist, which is gross. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls was made by a very bad person. A bunch of the movies also have unsimulated sex stuff, I don't know if that makes anyone uncomfortable but if it does I'm just putting it out there.

[laurrelise]

i’m rewatching tua season 4 because i guess i once again need confirmation that it’s just as bad as i remember …

but ive been told im too negative about the season on more than one occasion so im going to be positive and name a bunch of things i like about each episode of the final season!! <3

warning: this post is decent sized lol

today we are tackling: episode 2

i do love the beginning montage of the siblings all being sick while simultaneously using their powers to improve their own daily agendas if only it featured more than just 3 of the siblings…?

i love five’s assistant twink and also how he’s called mr. five at the grand old age of 19 years old (i know he’s 64 but shut up)

lila’s eyeball lasers and the rubber ducky

luther being devastated over the place being “destroyed” even when it was a literal shithole to start off with

viktor finding his VOICE. viktor with CONFIDENCE. i love you viktor “ill kick your ass right now” hargreeves. king, you are 4 feet tall, but eat him tf up

“why is it cold” “the real question is, why would you touch it”

five slapping diego’s hand out of the way and him not even trying to fight it is so them and i love it

viktor actually attempting to kick ben’s ass (and as much as he looks like a feral little gremlin, i love it)

luther’s “DUDE! I LIVE HERE” he’s such a grumpus

also viktor’s little speech about him building a life for himself and it all being fucked over because of ben’s dumb ass

“i could’ve lost my job!” “did you?” “wh-” and five looking up at him with wide eyes and genuine curiosity. not the time king but thanks for asking

allison eating ben tf up and klaus supporting her

“i’m not going back to that old klaus. i like this klaus! hey, he collects coupons! he’s frugal, respectable, reliable, and most importantly, he’s a klaus that claire likes. and trusts and looks up to.” THIS IS SO SAD I LOVE HIM

diego pulling ben back to the couch by his hair is such brother behavior

i do love the wanda van. she’s truly iconic

will forever love that five gets the front seat because he’s the old man. if i were his sibling i wouldn’t even try to take it. shotgun is for the senior citizen

the gag about baby shark not being able to stop playing for the entire several-hour long road trip is pretty alright comedy-wise i guess although it would’ve been much funnier if baby shark wasn’t the main goddamn song in the entire season’s soundtrack

i will never shut up about how much i love the love-hate banter from all of the siblings. the actors did such an amazing job bringing the dysfunctional family back to life.

ben getting humbled in the diner was pretty satisfying. sparrow ben i’ve never been your biggest fan but you’ve grown on me

luther’s mention of sloane is so sweet if only she’d been mentioned more than twice

luther is generally adorable i love that man

viktor saying “phones work both ways, yknow” when allison said he didn’t call. i love how much confidence he’s found in himself this season, quite possibly one of the only characters who wasn’t horribly assassinated trait-wise

diego throwing the axes, i love him. also lila’s unimpressed reaction always gets me

klaus with the TAROT CARDS!!!!!! yes please i wish he’d used them more

i do actually like jennifer’s character. the truman-show town thing was so interesting even if it had relatively no effect on the plot for the rest of the season, it had potential but i love that jen matches ben’s freak in the sense that she is absolutely not afraid to call him out on his bullshit

old man five trying to blink :( so sad poor guy

also five immediately pretending to stretch when lila calls him out

once again i love lila and five’s reluctant alliance. why couldn’t they just continue being frenemies for the love of god

five noticing the singular guy looking at them and mentioning it to diego and lila and she says “maybe he likes you” STEVE BLACKMAN YOU COULD’VE PUT FIVE WITH ANYONE ELSE. STEVE BLACKMAN WE COULD’VE HAD A ROMANCE BETWEEN FIVE AND THE ELF STARING AT HIM AND IT WOULD’VE BEEN BETTER THAN FIVE X LILA. STEVE BLACKMAN WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME

ben defending jennifer awwwww

five’s subway station to different timelines will go down as being endlessly awesome if only it hadn’t been created solely so steve blackman could fulfill his own weird ass ideas

diego and lila once again trying to convince the other to let them save the day is a very often-overlooked sign of love that i refuse to ignore. they do it like 3 times in the show and it gets me every time

“i have laser eyes im more powerful than you!” “they’re not even working right now!” “they’re gonna work i feel it they’re gonna work!!!!” lila i love you you’re so cute

“I TOOK OUT THE TRASH” hey btw diego it’s not the time

ok but diego’s flip where he redirects all the bullets… idk how i completely forgot about that part (probably because i was busy thinking about all of the other things that i hated) but it was SO fucking awesome stfu

diego and lila collecting reindeer stuffies for the kids even while they’re fighting for their lives is still so adorable

klaus’ positive affirmations. klaus I LOVE YOU

klaus accidentally finding a fake jennifer is so on brand for him NVM HOW DID I FORGET THAT SHE LITERALLY SHOOTS KLAUS

i LOVE the part where luther’s shielding allison and viktor from the bullets. especially when viktor tears out of his grasp like a feral little gremlin and takes out half of the shooters

still don’t know what the hell allison’s power is???? is it the rumor thing except she only has to think it instead of saying it?!!? idk but it’s cool i guess just wish it was explained more!!!!!!

luther’s “i should’ve known, those sconces were too perfect” he’s all upset but i can’t help but smile he’s literally a 5 year old

the car flip is so fucking cool. the glass flying around the van around everybody is so good, the “carol of the bells” is so menacing and simple, five absolutely serving while everyone else is screaming and flinging around in the back

ALSO DIEGO’S ARM GOING OUT TO PROTECT FIVE. fuck i love them so much. STEVE BLACKMAN FUCK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO FIVE AND DIEGO

jennifer’s little “help me, ben” as she gets carried away is so tragic oh my god. and his little reach out to her as she’s taken. fuck

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, jean and gene are such phenomenal villains. nick offerman and megan mulally are phenomenal actors. christ on a cracker why couldn’t they have been utilized in a plot that was actually written well

and that’s the end of the episode! only positivity around here folks! :)

…

just kidding here’s some of the tiny little things i caught that i don’t like / that make literally zero sense

luther screaming “no! no! no” when his monkey body is back (for some fucking reason???) is so heartbreaking the poor guy hated himself 💔

i love the whole subway station thing but how the hell did five accidentally blink into the station when he was just running but couldn’t when he was genuinely trying lmfao

it’s absolutely wild that five deadass blinked accidentally and then just hopped on the subway even though he was just running for his life. if the writers genuinely believed five wouldn’t have immediately returned to help his family and checked out the subway later then they need to be fired immediately. thanks

it will never not be funny to me that literally every single person in the town has a huge gun. was that much security really necessary 😭

the part where klaus dies and they give him marigold even though he stressed 100% that he didn’t want it makes me so sad. i get why they did it (he literally would’ve died if they hadn’t) but the panic in allison’s voice as she holds her dying brother and tries to figure out if it’s right to give it to him against his will is so heartbreaking

KLAUS’ “what did you do?” WHEN HE REALIZES HE’S GOT HIS POWERS BACK IM SOBBING

ok and that’s the end

the first couple of episodes weren’t too terrible in my opinion? so it’s understandable that i’d find plenty more things i liked than i disliked in this episode. also all the things i pointed out that i liked were tiny little details when most of the season’s flaws imo were huge arcs / plot points that span multiple episodes so they might not be as relevant in a post of this format !!

might do this when i watch the rest of the seasons to truly identify if i really am too hard on this season (i don’t believe i am considering how many much smarter people have also stressed the issues with this season but it was fun so i might do it anyways)

anyways thanks for reading goodbye

[lv3buzzz]

SONG RECS FOR @noctilucaa

w moods

this is honestly no pressure to listen to them all 😭

i just yap w song titles lmaooo

also all my x ray spex recs are valid cus i am the no 1 x ray spex listener on airbuds (i love them)

sobbing my eyes out oh god

~ paper bag - fiona apple

~ waiting room ~ phoebe bridgers

~ your best american girl ~ mitski

~ asleep - the smiths

~ tears over beers - modern baseball

~ brother - gerard way

~ young and doomed - frank iero

~ guilt tripping - frank iero

~ you are my sunshine - frank iero

~ disasterology - ptv

i miss who i used to be

~ sullen girl - fiona apple

~ are you satisfied - MARINA

~ everyone - mitski

~ i know the end - phoebe bridgers

~ all i want is nothing - frank iero

yeah its cool ill be okay

~ joyriding - frank iero

~ all that ive got - the used

~ dear percocet, i dont think we should see eachother anymore- frank iero

fuck this

~ no fun club - frank iero

~ i cant do anything - x ray spex

~ yall want a single - korn

~ break stuff - limp bizkit

~ brackish - kittie

~ garbage man - hole

~ im a mess - frank iero

~ jesus of suburbia - green day (yes the full nine minutes. deal w it 😛)

~ child psychology - black box recorder

fuck you

~ get gone - fiona apple

~ good god - korn

~ father - front bottoms

~ down with the sickness - disturbed

~ good sister - bad sister - hole

~ family jewels - MARINA

~ fantastic bastards - death spells

~ veins! veins!! veins!!! - frank iero

punk/ angry w politics

ik the sex pistols are heavily mainstream so might not be ‘punk’ but they pioneered the scene in the 70s and are style icons

theres more but itll be too much 😛

~ plasic bag - x ray spex

~ carnival - bikini kill

~ rebel girl - bikini kill

~ god save the queen - sex pistols

~ anarchy in the uk - sex pistols

~ holidays in the sun - sex pistols

~ pretty vacant- sex pistols

~ identity - x ray spex

~ nervouse breakdown- black flag

~ ‘merican - descendents

~ blood stains - original version - agent orange

life can be good sometimes

~ when the sun hits - slowdive

~ 1979 - smashing pumpkins

~ malibu - hole

~ half a person - the smiths (dont listen to the lyrics theyre sad but its upbeat and you can dance to it and be whimsical)

~ heaven tonight - hole

~ inbetween days - the cure (i fucking love this song

~ today - the smashing pumpkins

~ lovesong - the cure

~ so real - jeff buckley

yearning/pining?!

~ why cant i be you? - the cure

~ forget her - jeff buckley

~ michelle - sir chloe

~ 8th grade - pencey prep (heavily recommend that whole album)

~ i want the one i cant have - the smiths

~ looking out for you - joy again (pulling out the 2021 songs 🙏)

~ mad as rabbits - p!atd

~ beach bones - more amor, ryan ross (<33 RYAN RODSOKDDODIFUCU)

~ at the library - green day

[artzychic27]

I bring Clone High au quotes! Some from the shows, others not!

Max: Ooh! They have pens on strings now! What a world!

—

Zoé: Psst, Cosette. *Raising and lowering her eyebrows* Should we ditch this fool?

Cosette: *Raising and lowering their eyebrows* I dunno. The guy’s simpin’ hard.

Zoé: We can listen to him, OR, we can listen to Clara Nightingale

Cosette: I’m game. Side note? Your eyebrow language is like… SO on point. 😏

Zoé: 😊

—

Mireille: Ivan, how do you stay so chill?

Ivan: I just channel my anxiety into something more productive, like poems for sick children.

*Meanwhile, a child is in the fetal position after reading one of Ivan’s darker poems*

—

Nino: I have eyes, you know. They’re right under my eyebrows!

—

Kim: No, no, no! Like this! ‘For-er suppah, I-er a, want a party plattah!’

—

Marinette: *Sighs* My old thinking dock… Why is it so dangerously high?

Marc: Climate change.

Marinette: So that was real? Hmm. What are you doing out here at the thinking docks, Marc?

Marc: Oh, I’m just trying to get better at being more insightful, be more like the Marc I’m cloned from.

Marinette: Seems to me there’s not telling what to think these days. You know, normally, I’d check in with my friend, Sacqueline at times like this. I think she’s been avoiding me.

*Cut to Sacqueline still cryogenically frozen*

—

Juleka: Jean, do you know the story of Juleka the Countess?

Jean: Oh yeah, I’ve seen a movie about it on tv. She was like sixteen, right? And then people started accusing her of being some demon vampire becuase girls who always went into her castle never came out, but the truth is that they were lesbians escaping marriage to men through her resources, but then at the end, she got burned to a crisp because people thought she was a demon vampire. Pretty good, I give it a thumbs up.

Juleka: … Basically. See, I’ve never been able to live up to her, and that’s why, instead, I became a cynical angst-ridden goth girl.

—

Austin Q: I’m gonna nail ya! *Holds up a nail gun* With this nail gun! That’s in my pants!

Austin B: No! Don’t put it in your pants! *Looks away, but starts recording*

—

Adrien: I have the DNA of Mayor Adrien Agreste, solving disputes is in my nature- *Denise punches Louis in the face* Now, why don’t we all take a deep breath-

Denise: *Kicks Louis in between the legs* How ya like that berry blast?!

—

Jean: Do you mind?! Some of us are trying to make out with Austin the Great here... Or should I say Austin the fiiiiiine.

—

Chloé: Yes! It’ll be as easy as getting with murder!… I assume.

—

Max: What would the real Nathaniel Kurtzberg have done?

Nathaniel: He would have high tailed it out of that camp and hopped a boat. Then he would have died of a heart attack in his 60s. But what are the chances of that happening again? Hehe.

Max: Thirty-eight percent.

—

Cosette: If there's one thing the OG Cosette Bellamy and I stand for, its revenge.

—

Marinette: Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off?

Chloé: *Gasps* You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, creature trash!

Ismael: Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one-leg-at-a-time.

—

Simon: Hey, take a hit, relax! God's message can be a total trip. But you know you gotta do what he tells you, because God has a plan for all of us… A painful, painful plan…

—

Mme. Mendeleiv: I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself!

—

Rose: I like your funny words, magic man!

—

Nathaniel: *on phone* Sometimes I just turn the lights off in my room and cry.

Nino: I'm sorry, uh, Nath, could you speak up?

Nathaniel: The only way I can cling to my sanity is that nobody knows how lonely I truly am.

Nino: *To crowd at party, snickering* He's sad...

Crowd: *Laughs*

Nino: It's hilarious!

Nathaniel: Wait, am I on speakerphone?!

Nino: Hey, would Nino put somebody on speakerphone?

Crowd: NO!

Nathaniel: This is Nino, how could you? *begins to tear up and his lower lip begins to quiver*

Nino: Hey man, Nino’s anti-violence, not anti-comedy. *Hangs up* Feels good to help people.

—

Kim: Gay foster dads, do you mind if I watch Will & Grace with you?

—

Chloé: Ugh. I almost made out with Aurore? Uh, hot.

—

Lila: Do you know what my real name is? *Whispers to Rose* Lila Rossi.

Rose: Cool!

Lila: Not. Cool.

—

Zoé: *Standing on Marc’s shoulders as he skateboards down a slanted road* Shred, Marc! Shred!

Marc: *His eyebrows pop off and try to inch away* Where do you think you’re going, eyebrows? *His eyebrows slink back and reattach themselves to his face*

[blackspoon99]

The Empty Hearse Pt. 1

Sherlock x Female! Reader

TW: minor Violence, Mentions of suicide and mental illness, Spoilers if you haven’t seen season 3!

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

A/N: This is a reader insert of season 3 of BBC Sherlock. If you haven’t seen season 3, I would definitely skip this series because it wouldn’t make sense and there are definitely going to be some spoliers!

Saturday - 8:37 pm

“Take it outside! Not in my shop!” The café owner yelled while pulling John off Sherlock and into the street. John walked a few feet away, pacing and trying to control his anger. Mary sympathetically handed Sherlock some napkins. He leaned his head back and tried to get his nosebleed under control.

“I don’t understand. I’ve said I’m sorry, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?”

Mary laughed to herself “Gosh, you don’t know anything about human nature, do you?”

“Hmmm Nature? No. Human? No.” He said with an ironic smile.

John walked back over to talk to Sherlock “I’m going to take Mary home. I’ve had enough of you for the night. Have you seen y/n?”

“Not yet. Do you think the fake mustache was too much? I’d bet y/n would like it.”

John scoffed to himself. “Oh god, Sherlock. What is it going to take for you to realize this isn’t a joke? Don’t you dare do whatever this was to y/n. She hasn’t been the same. You–” He paused and clenched his fists by his sides. Mary put a hand on his shoulder. “You- were not here Sherlock. You didn’t see what it was like. What she was like.” He closed his eyes and turned away. “No, I can’t do this. All I have to say Sherlock is be nice, be kind. For her.” John hailed down a cab while Mary stayed behind.

“I’ll talk him round.”

“You will?”

“Oh yeah,” She said with a smile before following John to the cab.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday - 10:16 am

The next morning, Sherlock slowly approached the apartment. He was most excited for your reaction. John was still furious with him, but he’d come around. Mary had promised. Sherlock liked her already. You would be over the moon when he came back into your life. Everything would go back to the way it was in time: you, John, and him. Together again in Baker Street.

He walked into the living room. He didn’t see you. Mycroft said you were to come here to pick up a book. He thought it was oddly fitting that your first meeting would be back in Baker Street. It didn’t seem like you were there. Perhaps Mycroft’s surveillance had gone downhill. Sherlock was about to leave when you emerged from John’s old bedroom, holding a book in one hand. You stared down at it, walking over to the bookcases by the fireplace. Sherlock anxiously waited for you to see him standing in the doorway. How happy you would be. He would finally see your face again, hold you in his arms. He’d have you back. You turned to leave and finally, you noticed him.

You let out a startled breath, but you didn’t even look surprised. You just looked sad. Sherlock was silent with anticipation as he waited for you to react. Your face was almost glazed over. Something was wrong. You suddenly dropped the book to the carpet. Sherlock watched as you turned away and with shaky hands, dialed a number on your mobile.

“H-hello? Michelle? I’m sorry to be calling, I know I stopped seeing you a few months ago… it’s just that I-I can see him again. I thought they’d stopped, but he’s back and you said I should call if I…”

His stomach dropped at the realization that you didn’t think he was really there. That’s why you didn’t seem surprised to see him. Sherlock watched as tears formed in your eyes as your voice quivered and stammered on the phone with your ex-therapist. John had said his so-called death had been hard on you, but he hadn’t expected this. You hesitantly looked over your shoulder at him before quickly turning your head back to your phone.

“No, he’s like he was when he was alive this time. It’s not like– you know– when I used to see him there on the pavement.”

Sherlock could feel his heart break a little as you cowered from him near the fireplace. His instincts were screaming at him to say something, to walk towards you, but he was paralyzed. Sherlock stood there for a moment until he realized you were wrapping up your call. He slowly and as quietly as possible backed out of the flat and down the stairs.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You hung up the phone and slowly turned around. The image of Sherlock was gone from the door. You sighed in relief, leaned against the wall, and slid to the floor. You tried to take a deep breath, but you felt sick to your stomach. You tasted salt and became aware of the tears streaking down your cheeks. You were certain you were over this, that you were strong enough not to feel this way anymore, not to see him everywhere. Maybe it was too soon to come back to Baker Street. Then again, it had been 2 years.

Or maybe this is just the way it had to be from now on. You’d go about your business, feel your wounds begin to close but no matter how close you’d think you were getting to healing, no matter what you do, you’d always be just one moment away from falling apart all over again. You figured you should take your therapist’s advice and call John.

You went to pick up the book when you could have sworn you heard the creak of a floorboard on the stairs followed by the sound of the front door closing. Hallucinations don’t make noise. A hot flash ran through you. Your body moved before you could even think. You clambered over to the window, tripping over a loose pile of books. You flung open the dusty curtains and frantically looked out the window. You immediately scanned the crowd on the street below. Just down the block, you spotted a head of curly black hair and a long wool coat.

You snatched up your coat and ran down the stairs, not even bothering to put it on. You threw open the front door just in time to see him turn the corner. You started running, pushing past tourists and pedestrians. The cold air felt like it was burning through your lungs as you sprinted down the sidewalk. Tears were now steadily pouring from your eyes, blurring your vision. You finally rounded the corner and spotted him again.

“Sherlock Holmes!” You yelled, your voice strained and breaking. Sherlock turned around just as you reached him. Still unsure if it was just your mind tormenting you once again, you hesitantly reached for his hand. The moment your ice-cold hand felt a leather glove, a real hand, beneath its touch, you let out a choked gasp. The realization was quickly replaced with blind rage. Without thinking, you raised your hand and slapped him across the face as hard as you could. He barely flinched from the impact and looked at you with pure pain in his eyes.

“How could you!?” You screamed, tears uncontrollably pouring down your face. You threw half-hearted punches at his chest. He reached out and gently grabbed your forearms, trying to stop you.

“Y/n I’m so sorry”

“How could you?” You repeated over and over, fighting him. “How could you? How could you? How could you?” Eventually, the rage faded, and you leaned into him and just sobbed “I needed you” You said weakly.

“I know, y/n. I know. I’m so sorry” He said, wrapping his arms around your shivering body.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Part 1 of god knows how many. This story will take us through season 3 and end with his last vow. Just getting back into writing and I will try my best to upload the parts semi regularly! 

[missymurphy1985]

The Extra (part 9)

Warning - illness, mentions of death

Authors Note - I have personal experience of this horrific disease - I hope I don't upset anyone with it, but it's a topic very close to my heart.

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @peakyciills @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @namelesslosers @misscarolineshelby @screemqueen @cilleveryone @peaky-cillian @misselsbells06 @datewithgianni @heidimoreton

A month had passed since you'd deleted his number and blocked him. You were staring at the letter in your hand, shaking. You knew this day was coming, but you'd pushed it so far down that you had only truly thought about it when Cillian had told you he loved you.

You'd told Liane the truth. Why you couldn't commit to him, even though you desperately wanted to. Truth be told you'd fallen for him just as hard - and that's exactly why you'd pushed him away. It was bad enough you had to live with this, you couldn't force someone else to. She'd encouraged you to get tested - and you knew she was right. It was time you took your life in your hands once and for all. You'd spent too many years since your mother's and sister's untimely deaths burying it.

Picking up the phone, you dialled the number, heart pounding. The receptionist answered.

"Morning. My name is y/n y/l/n. I had some tests. I've had a letter to say the results are in?"

"Can I ask what the test was for?" The receptionist asked.

"My GP referred me. It's for the breast cancer gene. I'd like to know if I carry it."

"Let me check our records Miss Y/L/N. Yes, I have your results here. Would you be available to come in this afternoon? We've had a cancellation?"

"Can you not tell me over the phone?"

"I'm not allowed to, the doctor has requested to see you in person." Your heart lurched, that was never a good sign.

You immediately wanted to call Cillian, but remembered you didn't have his contact details any more. You called Liane instead. She would pick you up at 2pm and go with you to the appointment.

Sat in the waiting room, Liane held you hand to calm you. Your nerves were in tatters. This disease had already taken so much from you - your mum, your older sister, two cousins... You knew there was a strong chance it was going to take you, too. The doctor called you through.

"Your results are here y/n. And I'm pleased to inform you -"

"What?" You gasped. The doctor smiled and took your hands in hers.

"Y/n, you don't carry the gene. It isn't there - your chances of developing breast cancer are no higher than mine, or Joan Bloggs on the street. You're going to be okay." Even the doctor had tears in her eyes. Liane was gobsmacked. You just burst into tears.

"I'm not going to die?"

"Oh honey if I had the cure for that I'd be a millionaire!" She laughed, you did too. You felt like the world had just been lifted off your shoulders, taking a dark cloud with it. A dark cloud you'd been living with for nearly 10 years. The real reason you'd split with your ex. The reason you refused to get your breasts out for auditions. The real reason you backed away from a life in acting. You didn't see the point if you weren't going to be here for the long haul... But now?

Now you'd been given a new life. A new start. And your thrown away the best chance of happiness you'd ever had in one stupid click of a button.

Liane noticed your sadness in the car on the way home. You suddenly realised you weren't actually heading home though, you were on the M6 heading to Wolverhampton.

"Erm.. where are we going?" You asked, seeing the sign for Wolverhampton fly past.

"Road trip."

"Destination?"

"It's a surprise!! Do you trust me?"

"Always..."

"Then don't ask questions."

You rolled your eyes and figured you were probably en route to Bicester Village in Oxford. That was your happy place - a day of shopping, good food, few drinks in the evening... Before long though, your eyelids grew heavy. You always fell asleep on car journeys, this one was no different. Within ten minutes you were out cold.

You felt Liane nudge you gently, waking you. Opening your eyes, you looked around, expecting to see the car park. Instead you saw terraced houses, a green park, and a street sign with 'London Borough - Kilburn' on it.

"Why am I in London??" You asked. Liane shrugged her shoulders.

"Fancied a change - never been before! Just got on the motorway and drove. Been years since we've done that hasn't it! Just drove with no destination?" You grinned, remembering the random road trips you used to take years ago. You'd ended up all over the UK, even catching a ferry to Amsterdam one Friday night just because you were bored!

"So what's the plan?"

"Let's go explore!" She paid for the parking via an app on her phone and you both climbed out the car. The houses were all Victorian style and beautiful. The park was glorious - the sun shining on it beautifully. Liane suggested a picnic in the park first to line your stomachs, then cocktails.

"Aren't you driving us home later?"

"Yes - I'll be on the mocktails! Come on, let's go find food... There's loads of little deli places over there!"

Picnic done, it was cocktail time. Sadly, there didn't appear to be a cocktail bar anywhere near... But there was a nice looking pub over the road. Settling on a normal G&T, you both made your way over. Liane sent you inside to get the drinks while she sat in the beer garden out the back.

Heading outside with two G&Ts, you looked around for her but she was nowhere to be found. You quickly scanned inside again just to make sure you'd not missed her. Setting the drinks down on a bench outside, you waited. Must've gone to the toilet. Taking your phone out you sent her a text letting her know where you were.

Ten minutes passed - still no sign. You were worried now. A ping on your phone.

"For god's sake woman open your eyes and look in the corner!!" Liane... What the hell? You looked up and nearly dropped your phone. Sitting ten feet away from you, on his own... Holding his phone in his hand and staring at you the same way you were staring at him. In complete disbelief.

He looked back at his phone and shook his head. Both of you realising you'd been set up. Completely played.

He stood up, you were convinced he was going to leave but he didn't. He sat opposite you instead.

"Hey," he smiled.

"Hey..."

"Can I talk before you do?" He asked. You nodded.

"I know... I didn't... Fuck this makes so much more sense in my head..." He laughed.

"Can I talk instead?" He nodded. You took a deep breath and told him the truth. About your family. The deaths. The illness. The tests.. and the results.

"That's why I pushed you away. That's why I push everyone away. But you were the first one I pushed that I regretted... I regretted it so much because no one had ever made me feel as alive as you did. No one made me float on air like you did. No one made me forget about this cloud hanging over me like you did..."

"You thought I'd leave you if you had the gene?"

"My Dad left when my mom was diagnosed. He couldn't handle it so he bailed. Wasn't a great role model."

"Your dad's a dick. I'm not." His brutal, dead pan response made you laugh. In fact you didn't just laugh, you were in hysterics. He laughed with you, and took your hands in his.

"If I promise not to tell you I love you, will you let me see you?"

"No."

"Erm... Okay?"

"I want you to tell me you love me, if you mean it. Then I'll decide."

"Y/N... I. Love. You. I fucking love you. I adore you. I've had the most miserable four weeks of my life thanks to you!" He laughed.

"Yeah I'm sorry about that.."

"It's okay. You can make it up to me."

"You're giving me a second chance?"

"I never gave up on the first one. But this time, we take it slow. Get to know each other. I'll start by asking if I can take you out to dinner tonight?"

"I have nothing with me... All my stuff's at home..."

"Fair enough. Then we have two choices. You go shopping with Liane and get yourself something.. or go home and we can arrange to meet another time?"

"I'm already here, and shopping was on our to do list. Dinner tonight sounds lovely."

"Unblock my number. I'll text you the details later, okay?" He finished his drink and pulled his jacket on, quickly typing a text as you unblocked his number. If only you'd known it was that easy to get his contact details again... The message pinged through.

"Thank you..." You smiled reading it. He leaned over and kissed your cheek softly, before walking away. Glancing back, smiling, as he left the pub.

Liane was with you in seconds.

"You sneaky little shit, how did you do this??" You laughed.

"Anto contacted me last week, said he was sick of Cillian moping. We kinda worked together... Are you mad at me?"

"Not at all. Where's Anto?"

"Right here." Anto appeared out of nowhere and you threw your arms around him.

"Thank you. For everything?"

"No need to thank me. This was Liane's idea. Bit of a rush to sort once you'd got those results but luckily you live 3 hours away and you sleep like the dead!" He laughed. "Now get yourself gone - you have a date to prepare for!"

[creativeashproductions]

Shattered Hearts // Luke Patterson

Summary: The teenage years are supposed to the best time of life but not when fate has other plans for Sunset Curve. Not feeling well reader stays home while Luke prepares for the performance of his life at The Orpheum. Shit hits the fan hard and the fallout ensues.

Warnings: Swearing, death, hospital, cancer (type is not detailed) angst, and fluff.

Words: 2.3k

Requested: @lolychu​

A/N: I didn’t go into detail about the kind of cancer because I didn’t want to, I want it to be as general as it could. I’ve never gone through it or had someone close go through it so it could be wrong and I apologize for that. Broken heart syndrome is REAL by the way.

Masterlist

Los Angeles, 1995

There are articles of some medical mysteries that can’t fully be scientifically explained, such as when someone dies in excellent health following the death of a loved one. The scientific term is takotsubo cardiomyopathy, but the world knows it merely by Broken Heart Syndrome. It was a day that was supposed to be the greatest of your teenage years, but the day couldn’t have gone any worse.

First, you woke up with an incredibly high fever and newfound bruises. Pain in a wrist out of nowhere but you wrote it off. You had plans, and illness wasn’t scheduled for the day. Your boyfriend and his band had gotten their big break, well their almost big break. Today was the day Sunset Curve would perform at The Orpheum, and you were gonna be backstage cheering them on.

Luke made his appearance at your house in the morning before early rehearsal, and you managed to convince him you were feeling okay. He went on to their studio, and your mother drove you to the hospital in fear.

Life was an asshole. While you waited for test results pale against the hospital sheets, an ambulance rolled in. Carrying three bodies that would go to the morgue for positive confirmation of death. You wouldn’t know for a full day, Luke’s parents too grief-stricken to call you and that’s okay. 

“Mom?” You asked as her form caved in on the floor near your hospital bed, “Mom!”

Her eyes filled with so much pain brought you fear and concern. With a struggle, she came closer to hold your hand tightly and spoke brokenly the fate that would snatch you.

“Baby, you don’t have the flu.”

“That’s good? So just meds and we can go home?” You asked heart clenching as her eyes closed tight and you knew whatever the doctor had told her after pulling her out of the room wasn’t good.

Couldn’t be good with the slump in her shoulders, the pain in her eyes and the guilt coating her every word. Mom wasn’t a housewife; she wasn’t a flower in need of protection, but she never kept something from you. Always said it straight and as it is.

“Sweetheart, they’re gonna move you to another ward.” You knew deep in your heart the news had to be the worst because Mom wasn’t telling you the whole story. Finally, she broke down, “The doctors got the results back as soon as they could. The fever, the bruises, and the broken wrist have a reason. You have cancer.”

Cancer. A word that sealed your fate. It left you reeling in shock. It shattered your dream with just one single name. Couldn’t be seen but made its presence known. The coming hour was spent with the specialist detailing the type and a tentative treatment plan he wanted to initiate immediately.

A nurse escorted your mother out as the orderlies and nurses prepped you to be moved to a new room. Knowing you were in good hands, your mom walked to the main doors for fresh air only to be astounded at the sight of Mitch and Emily Patterson. Equally shocked, they came together.

“Emily?” Your mom spoke, looking carefully at the parents of your boyfriend. She wondered how the Patterson’s had found out, “Did someone call you?”

“No.” Emily spoke with a numb voice. Your mom took a step back, understanding that one could only react that way for one thing. Something had happened to the Patterson teenager.

 “Luke isn’t here, is he?” Your mom asked, turning to look up at the tall building of the hospital, “Y/N, hasn’t had a phone. She only found out, but Luke hasn’t been with you-“

“The cops came,” Mitch spoke tucking his upset wife into his arms. He was equally as grief-stricken and bitter, but he had to be calm for his wife. They wouldn’t get anywhere if one of them couldn’t get answers.

Your mom gasped, “No.”

“I always knew that band-“Emily’s own sob cut her words off as her knees threatened to buckle. Your mom helped lead Emily into the emergency room before she jogged off to join you but not before turning to the Patterson parents.

“We’ll meet up. Discuss why we’re all here.” 

Being told you had cancer and then informed your boyfriend died all in one night was the most painful thing you had to live through. It was weeks of screaming, invasive procedures and therapy sessions. Your father came from his business trip to Dubai as soon as he could and didn’t leave your side.

A painful six months rolled with cancer stealing your hopes and a fucking bad hotdog taking your dreams away. Nothing made you curious. Nothing felt worth living for.

Not the realistic watercolour tattoo your parents let you get of Luke’s blue guitar you loved so much. It seemed to have a terminally sick child made it practically impossible to say no to, so you got a tattoo of your favourite lyrics of Sunset Curve.

In pretty font, it said ‘When all the days felt black and white. Those were the best shades of my life’ just like it said in Now or Never. One of your favourite songs, you got the privilege of watching Luke create.

“Mom, can I have a popsicle?” You asked from your bed. Eyes barely open as she nodded off her chair, “My mouth is dry.”

“Of course.” She nodded, leaving the room with a kiss on your forehead. Both of you mumbling I love you just in case. You felt like your clock was close to the end, so every word had meaning.

It was a good day so far; you hadn’t had to press for more pain medication like the last couple of weeks. You had managed to turn to stare out the window at the pretty sky. Your eyes fluttered shut completely content that this was it.

Your mom returned to a room with doctors and nurses trying to resuscitate you with your father screaming. No one could figure out if it was the cancer or the broken heart syndrome that killed you first. Your death was a double blow to Luke’s parents the most, along with Reggie and Alex’s own parents. 

Los Angeles, 2020

So much had changed since you died in 1995. Phones had changed, and buildings were torn down. You changed as well too. In relief physically, you had changed from the gaunt, skinny, pale patient to the girl you had been before the diagnosis.

Your hair now looked as healthy as it had been before you had cancer and you weren’t gaunt looking. You were looked just like you did a few months before you got diagnosed and you hoped so since you were dead. It would have sucked to be dead and beyond ugly.

“Do you think she went on to have a family?”

You kept your attention on the waves crashing the beach content to watch the waves doing the same movement they had since the beginning. You paid no attention to the group walking by. Not until one tripped over you landing in an awkward heap.

“Ouch!” The voice hissed. Your eyes flicked down to Reginald fucking Hastings’s blue eyes in pure shock. You scrambled away from the teenager with a sharp scream that pierced the ghoul group.

“Jesus.” You grumbled pushing the little sand that had stuck somehow to your body made of air.

“Oh my god. I think I just summoned Luke’s girlfriend.” Reggie hissed towards the equally astounded members of former Sunset Curve and current Julie and the Phantoms bandmates.

“No, you idiot we’re dead.” You spoke, taking a deep breath in, “After not seeing you for five years I thought you passed on. I’ve been travelling around America and Canada. Something felt like I needed to come home.”

“When did you die?” Alex questioned sadly when you were quiet. His sad blue eyes unable to leave your expressive face, he hoped somehow you had lived to your 90s and died to come back youthful.

“It’s wasn’t harm-“

“No, Luke. I don’t think I’ll ever positively know what happened, but the night you guys died my life ended as well.” You revealed sitting back, letting the three boys join you for an intriguing story to them. Luke wasn’t hesitant in grasping your hand in his, “Funny enough your bodies were being unloaded in the morgue while I was being told by my Mom, I had cancer. The battle was hard but short.”

“Cancer?”

“Our love story was destined to be tragic, whether it be cancer or a hotdog.” You told the teenage guitarist to experience in the afterlife to be gentle about it. The three boys flinched from the indifference, “Have you visited your parents yet? My parents are home for a few weeks.”

“My neighbourhood was torn down. Alex doesn’t know about his and-“ 

“-I’ve seen my folks once so far.” Luke finished playing with your fingers, “You say our love story was tragic, I say it would be tragic if we hadn’t had the chance in life that we did.”

You nodded your head, “Where have you guys been?”

All three boys took their chaotic turn in describing their last meal to Reggie tripping over you with the belief of walking through you. They were in a band with a lifer who made them visible to the public when playing music together. You told them that your parents would choose a destination from your dream travel journal; you would follow them on the adventures.

Slowly you met Julie who put up a distance as she acclimated to having the girlfriend of her crush around always. Julie couldn’t help the feeling of jealously when Luke focused on the teen ghost girl. She couldn’t even hate you! You were so lovely and welcoming to the girl with respect for boundaries, in fact, you were exactly the girl she would have been friends with. Julie loved Flynn, but she could be over the top and dramatic sometimes.

“Good rehearsal. I’ll meet you outside.” Luke spoke, pressing a kiss to the side of your head. You nodded before walking through the white, painted barn doors.

Everything put away properly; Luke was quick to meet up with his girlfriend for their date. Alex noticed the stare by Julie. He had seen it for the past few weeks since you were introduced to the passionate musician with a beautiful voice.

“I’m really sorry, Julie.” Alex softly told the sad Puerto Rican girl yearning to hug the teenager but alas his ghostly body couldn’t allow it.

“Did I have an honest chance before she came back?” Julie asked. Her doe brown eyes bringing Reggie’s attention to the conversation at hand. 

“No.” Reggie answered this time solemn with his blue eyes holding no mirth or childlike glee, “Luke’s been in love with her for years. She’s his all or nothing.”

“I didn’t have a chance between them, and I don’t want you between them either. It’s not a nice place to be even if I was mutually breaking up with his as well.” Alex soothed the live girl yearning to physically comfort her but alas that damn hotdog ruined everything.

“Luke also said when the first big payment came, he would marry her. He wanted to give her the wedding of her dreams.” Reggie unintentionally rubbed the salt in Julie’s wound on the topic of her tragic love story.

Julie learnt to deal with the pain of seeing Luke, so in love and happier than before you had reconnected. In her fashion, she had hidden a new box for her thoughts that was so well hidden the boys would never find it. It was filled with papers that progressively got less romance angst.

“I’m just saying,” Alex spoke, raising his hands in the air after another one of Luke’s emotional rants on the loss of things in death. Such as marrying you.

“Dude, we’re dead, and our ghost connections happen to either be our band, Willie or a very questionable sketchy vintage magician.” Luke snapped slouching on his couch sulking as you were spending time with your family no matter how oblivious they were to your presence.

“I’m ordained.” Willie supplied sitting next to the blonde drummer who had easily swayed from Caleb to the good side again. At the group’s looks of disbelief, he continued, “I was bored! Took some art classes too. It won’t be the average wedding, but you could still call each other spouse.”

“I can check local clubs for wedding dresses. Flynn can easily put together music and Alex can find a venue.” Julie piped up, avoiding the sympathetic look from Reggie, who still thought the teenager had feelings for his bandmate. She no longer did. 

“You can use one of your rings on a chain as well. Maybe hold off on getting a ring until we get money from the band.” Reggie gave his input, earning himself a proud expression from Alex; an expression the drummer rarely was able to give his friend.

“I guess I’m proposing.” Luke beamed already thinking of ways to make his proposal special, not like being ghosts wasn’t already impressive enough. 

It wasn’t the ideal wedding, but it honestly didn’t matter as long as the two of you were able to vow yourself to each other. It no longer mattered on the details other than you two.

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[cowboywaffles]

If I lay here

Wow lol this is so sad. Angst asf. Charthur asf. There's so many spelling errors plz don't hate me it's 2 in the morning lol

"you know he-" John began as he walked next to Charles along the pavements of Saint Denis.

"yeah" Charles nodded, his eyes avoiding contact with the smaller man's as they walked.

"I went back and buried him and miss grimshaw after the pinkertons left, he where he'd want to be" Charles smiled shortly, his mind casting back to the moment he thought about so very often.

Many years had past since the passing of Arthur Morgan. A man Charles hadn't known for long but had instantly bonded with. The memories he had of Arthur were sweet.

The two would share hunting trips together, Charles teaching Arthur how to better his bow skills, arthur failing at using a bow and questioning why he could just use a shotgun.

Charles was extremely fond of Arthur. The way he cared for his horse, how he helped others. He never failed to bring a smile to Charles face.

Arthur would often find himself lost in thought whilst with Charles. Hed taken to sketching Charles whilst they were both alone. Charles pretended not to notice, but it wsd hard not to laugh when Arthur began avoiding eyecontact everytime Charles caught him looking.

The first time it happened, neither of the pair were expecting it. They found themselves sharing a tent, which wasn't unusual as such, but it was something about Arthur that night, the way his long blonde hair was swept back and running down the nape of his neck, or maybe the way he lay close to Charles, his eyes wondering over the bigger man's face.

Neither of them could resist.

Theyd been awkwardly flirting before hand, but both men were to shy to admit the feelings that had formed.

"I'm sick Charles. It's. It's real bad." Arthur wheezed. His chest tight and his face pale as he rode alongside his secret lover. Charles looked over to Arthur. He'd suspected it. Arthur was losing strength by the day. His face paling, his eyes sinking. He looked tired.

Charles had tried to care for him. Telling him to sleep in whilst he'd bring him stew and tend to him, but Arthur had prioritys he needed to see to, and Charles respected that.

After rescuing Eagle flies, Charles decided to stay behind, leaving the gang. Arthur wanted to stay with him. But deep down he knew what had to be done.

In their final moments together, prying eyes fell apon them as they stood in the middle of wapiti.

There was nothing more they could have done.

Charles drew Arthur into a hug, trying not to look suspicious. Arthur wrapped an arm around Charles shoulder as he inhaled slowly, taking in the familiar scent of the man he loved so very much.

"I love you, arthur" Charles whispered, his lips ghosting over Arthur's ear.

A rouge tear rolled down Arthur pale skin as he nodded. "love you too, Charles" he whispered back, followed by a cough.

He rode off. He didn't look back. He couldnt. There was so much more he wanted to say, wanted to do.

The two had often spoke of their future together, leaving the gang and running away together, living the rest of their days in a small cabin somewhere. Both of them knew it was a low chance. But. They hoped.

Even after Arthur became ill, Charles assured him he'd never stop caring for him.

Arthur lay on the mountain side. The sun rise stinging his eyes but, he didn't seem to mind. It was beautiful. The way the clouds contrasted with the orange sun.

His mind began to wonder. Wonder back to the time him and Charles first layed eyes apon one another. To the time he first joined the gang. To the time he used to take baths with his dog Cooper, the time issac died, the first bank robbery, the time him and Charles went hunting, Pearsons god awful stew, Sean's questionable sense of humour, rescuing John off the mountain, the time he 360 no scoped Mary Linton and sent her flying off a fucking cliff as she plummeted to her well deserved death, getting boadicea and riding her for the first time, the wise words of the nun he'd helped, the photographer who'd nearly gotten himself killed by every animal imaginable, a war veteran hamish, hosea teaching him to hunt, young Jack and the flower crowns he used to make him.

The sick man smiled softly.

He took his last breath, and closed his tired eyes.

"I still think about him, yanno" Charles laughed, the drink beginning to talk as he sat on the newly placed steps of bleachers hope, uncle and John listening to him, both of them judt as drunk.

"there's not a day that goes by where I don't miss the dumb bastard" Charles said, a tear forming in his eyes despite the smile on his face.

"I buried him. I did. Carried his body. He was so, lifeless yet, that was my Arthur"

"and I loved him"

[katnissmellarkkk]

Andddd here’s my chappy three thoughts 🥳🥳🥳

Hmmm Katniss saying that her mother has a dress made of velvet is actually really interesting because it shows that Mrs. Everdeen Lily-Rose really was well-er off before she married Katniss’ father Hunter.

Or did she get the velvet dress from Maysilee? Oh well, who knows.

Aww, Katniss’ nervous habit of touching soft things repeatedly to soothe herself 🤧🤧.

“Crying is not an option. There will be more cameras at the train station.” — someone tell that to Peeta 🤣🤣🤣.

Okay I gotta stop picking on Primmers, I know but like. How small is she that she sits on Katniss’ lap like a toddler but then in the following year is the same height as her? Doesn’t matter I know but still I wonder.

Okay so Mrs. E is the doctor for the people of the Seam? Idk I never thought about this but who does people like Peeta or Madge or Delly go to if they’re sick or hurt? Is there a still running apothecary shop that Katniss never mentions? Are her grandparents still running the family biz?

Also okay, I gotta stop having so many thoughts on all the lil details I know but like. Katniss says here she’s familiar with the herbs her mother doesn’t grow on her own so like a). Katniss is more of a healer than she leads on because no average person knows what kind of plant is medicinal and b). Her mother is just growing herbs and Katniss never mentions it again in the whole series? Or I just missed it.

Okay imma move on from this one singular paragraph but Gale and her made a pact a year ago that they’ll supply each other’s family with game if they were to be reaped... I’m feeling like their close friendship is probably only one year old then? Idk. Just my interpretation.

Honestly I love Katniss getting mad at her mom here.

She’s sixteen, for God’s sake, of course she’s angry at what her mother’s illness put her through.

Also I lowkey like that her mother got mad back because that lady in the movies had zero personality.

“Boys who are two to three times my size.” She sounds so little, omg 🥺🥺🥺.

“I don’t care if we’re rich, I just really want you to come home” 🤧🤧🤧😩😩😩😩 okay Primmers, you got me here.

“the Peacekeeper is at the door, signaling our time is up, and we're all hugging one another so hard it hurts and all I'm saying is ‘I love you. I love you both.’ And they're saying it back...” this is so sad leave me be 😫😫😫😫

Katniss is burying her face in a pillow to block out her emotions this is too much for me 🥵🥵🥵

Omg I forgot Peeta’s father visits Katniss 😅

Why does he visit Katniss?

She describes Peeta’s father as a “big, broad-shouldered man.” And then describes Peeta as stocky. Idk the comparison of the two descriptions has always led me to think Peeta is gonna be a big dude when he grows up like his father. This made no sense and had zero correlation but I thought, so I said it, no regrets

Oh he brought her cookies 🤧

WAIT WAIT WAIT. I just had a new thought, y’all. What if instead of the baker bringing cookies being a thing he does for all tributes, what if he’s bringing the cookies because Peeta asked him to, because he made them and wants to give them to Katniss and knows she’ll never accept / trust them coming from her competition? What if that’s the real reason the baker visited her in the first place? Because Peeta asked him to? This was such a shipper comment but idc, no regrets, remember?

Omg Peeta’s father is just mute 🤣🤣🤣

Between an abusive, angry mother and a mute for a father, the Mellark brothers must have had a fairytale of a childhood 😅😅😅😅.

But seriously #PoorPeetaMyBaby

Aww Peeta’s father is gonna help keep Prim alive 😭

Omg I just remembered he’s her mother’s ex boyfriend. Haidon Mellark, as I named him in my fics.

That one fic where he was thought to be Prim’s real father is just playing now in my head, rent free.

But does Katniss not realize that he may be offering to help Prim as a favor to her? Like she claims Prim is just so wonderful people adore her but there’s like zero evidence in the text that make her endearing? Okay I need to turn this bus around, I need to find a love for Primmy Deen.

Madge is not one for preamble apparently. No “hi, how are you? I’m sorry you’re gonna die? What will your last meal be?” Just right to “here, wear this family heirloom of mine, k thanks.”

I like that Madge had to kiss her cheek for Katniss to realize they were friends 😅😅😅.

I remember always loving her and Gale’s hug here. I’ve always felt like it was platonic, but especially when I first read the books and had zero preference one way or another for Gale or Peeta, I really liked how she said even with nothing romantic between them, “when he opens his arms, I don’t hesitate to go to him” or something I’m paraphrasing ok I’m lazy

Also though, this is the first time they’ve ever hugged? Idk why that surprises me? It shouldn’t because where is a hug gonna fit into a hunting trip 😅🤣😂 “I just caught a deer!” “let’s celebrate with a hug!”

I like that Katniss remembers how her father even failed to make a good bow sometimes. Random, I know.

I like that the Capitol weren’t entertained by the people freezing to deaths because it wasn’t bloody enough 🤭🙃

“How different can it be [to kill a human vs an animal]?” She’s about to find out, Gale 🥺. And when she comes back you won’t understand 🙄😔

What did Gale want to say before the Peacekeepers dragged him away?

I used to think it was a confession of love but I’m actually sure it wasn’t now? Just the wording “remember I-“ doesn’t sound like it, considering he never confessed anything prior to her coming home.

I’m assuming now he was just gonna give her some more advice to stay alive 🤷🏼‍♀️. Clearly if it were relevant it would have made its way to the others books.

Aww, she’s never been inside a car before 😭😭. I didn’t even know they had cars in this universe but okay.

I notice though how she says “In the Seam, we travel on foot.” So is Peeta just riding his trolly down the street every day with the other merchants then? 🤣

Peeta just openly crying on camera 😅😢.

I like how Katniss is like “ooo is this an act to get sponsors?” when in reality Peeta’s like “no, I’m just a soft and genuine boy ™️”

Omg I just realized this totally goes along with Peeta’s thing later on “I want to die as myself”

He’s refusing to hold back his emotions because he thinks he’s doomed to die and he’s already refusing to pretend to be or feel something ingenious.

But a Johanna mention in book 1 chapter 3 woohoo 🥳🥳🥳 also Katniss comparing Jo and Peeta is kind of like foreshadowing of their shared torture in book 3.

Omg she just called Peeta broad-shouldered and strong. 🥰🥰🥰 my headcanon for his post-canon body is confirmed

Also why does Katniss keep allotting his strength to carrying bread trays around? Are they heavy? Why have I never once heard of people who carry bread trays being strong? I always thought Peeta was really strong because he learned to fight in order to defend himself against his mother but that’s probably wrong.

But if a mother is abusive, it can lead to one of the kids being physically violent as well and we know Peeta isn’t but he has two older brothers I’m gonna cut myself off now but I think we all smelled what I just stepped in.

Also I just find it so fascinating now how she regards herself vs Peeta here.

When talking about herself, she says, “The competition will be far beyond my abilities. [...] Oh, there'll be people like me, too. People to weed out before the real fun begins.” But when she talks about Peeta, she immediately says, “It would take an awful lot of weeping to convince anyone to overlook him.”

It’s just funny how she discounted herself right from the start but thought he was a real contender and then come to find out, Peeta believes it’s the exact opposite 😂🙃. They’re both so stupid I can’t even take it.

Wait did they actually give the location of the Capitol and the location of District Twelve in today’s world? And I just overlooked it? Brb I’m gonna go to google maps right quick.

Okay so basically what I gathered is the Capitol is probably in New Mexico and District Twelve is somewhere between Kentucky and Alabama. Irrelevant I know. But just a reminder now to everyone that Katniss and Peeta are literally speaking, crying and screaming in thick, backwoods southern accents.

It’s literally so sad how everything for Katniss is about food. Like every motive she has, every action she does is about preventing starvation ever again. 🤧🤧🤧

First mockingjay mention 🤭🤭.

“My father was particularly fond of mockingjays” 😭😭😭 I bet he was 😭😭😭😭

We always go on and on about how Katniss is a mockingjay or her children are mockingjays but Katniss herself here says mockingjays represent her father imma cry, y’all 😫😫😫😫

“It’s like having a piece of my father with me, protecting me” shut up shut up shut up shut up

Awww, Katniss has never had food like this before 😔😔😔

Neither has Peeta 🤧🤧

Katniss disliking the way Effie put the two kids from the year before down and so began to eat like a pig just to prove her point, is so her. And the beginning of her fighting for the underdog.

Omg the Rue introduction 🥺🥺🥺

Bahahahaha the commenters calling District Twelve backwards but charming 😅😅😅 they really are the hillbilly district

Peeta’s unexpected laugh 🥺🥺🥺 I love you, baby

“He was drunk. He’s drunk every year.” “Every day.” Katniss and Peeta are already finishing each other’s sentiments and teaming up to get on Effie’s nerves I love them so much 😍

Oh my God, Effie, you selfish jerk. They’re kids having fun for like one second, no need to throw in their faces they’re gonna die if the drunk won’t help them. I’d forgotten why I don’t really like the book version of her. I actually prefer her as comedic relief in the movies.

I actually just realized I really dislike Effie Trinket, I hope they never speak to her again Post-Mockingjay. Idc how you’re raised you don’t need to treat teenagers who are sentenced to a probable death badly just because they laughed at you 🙄🙄🙄😡😡😡😡. They didn’t even really laugh at her, she’s just annoying and awful, we don’t stan Effie in this household.

Okay, that’s all for my thoughts on chapter three! Until next time, y’all ! If anyone actually read this long mess of a post.

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Don't touch...

(L/n) (Y/n).

Quirk? Unknown to him until the days of today...

Your company after all these years had been quite... enjoyable for him to not say the least. Most of the time you wore a mask, gloves and clothes that covered most of your skin, yet you always opted to be more free, feel the sun and the wind on your skin... he never get it why though.

Without the clothes you would remember a bit of him, flinch away from the touch even before it could touch you... yet when it was on your clothing you just reacted calmly and dare he say even sweetly.

He came to know you as kids, just barely when he entered the yakusa Pops showed to him you.. a kind soul that asked him if he wanted to play despite the look of distrust and hatred he gave to you just when you looked at him.

He never complained about you not wanting to be touched, he didn't liked it either. But he could tell you had... different reasons. As the years went by, he notice the dreadfull and even the remorse behind those (E/c) eyes of denying someone touch, a pat on the head, a hand shake... a hug.

It was... strange.

It's funny how reverse psychology worked... thats at least what he deduced from his own analysis. He didn't felt comfortable, heck actually he felt sick to the stomach if everyone else got too close to him or forbid God to ever lay a finger on him... but with you? The more you would get away from him, the more he wanted you to stay by his side... you were one of the few whose he felt comfortable enough.

He had gone through one of the most painfull feeling right on his childhood. Parental neglect and abuse, not even mentioning the pain he had to atture of controling his own quirk, testing on both victims and himself. Seriously, what could be worse than that?

Simple. When he found out that he was actually catching feelings for you, and your neglect of touch was even from him.

He didn't know what was so special that left his skin itching to just brush against yours...he just.. needed to test the waters. Yeah, it was only that.

The Hassaikai for a very long time had a plan for touching you. Since you werent as deadly and scary as Kai, and had kinda of a good partnership for all of them, he just could watch the shit go downs.

But soon stopped being a joke one day where Mimic went from behind you and tried to grab your wrist as you listened to his other plan to tell Pops later. He didn't even could tell you before your reflexes acted and you kicked Mimic square in the face.

"Dont. Touch me. This is not a joke anymore." You muttered in anger before bowing to Kai and leaving the room, his golden eyes widening at the drops of tears you let it slip from your eyes.

Mimic never once thought that the young sucessor of the Hassaikai could be even more enraged and such a monster when dealing with you. Rappa could only laugh since this time he wasn't the one having his ass beaten and overhauled. Haha poor him I torture him sometimes here

He couldn't understand... until the day where you were crying your eyes out. He couldn't understand until you just threw three blankets at him and hugged him for all your might.

His breath suddenly dissapeared...he didn't know what to say or even do at that point, and just when he was about to lower his arms you pulled away from and took the three massive blankets away from.

"Sorry, Chisaki.." you sniffled as he blinked, stoic gaze still present at your depressed state. "Really, forgive me I-"

"You never once told me about your "despise" for touch." He interrupted you, letting you lift your head for him to speak again "We both know my reason, but you're far away from a clean freak person or a mysophobic... explain it."

His eyes never widened at the point where it even hurted his whole life.

Your illness. Your quirk. That was why you couldn't touch anyone neither let anyone touch you. Your quirk allowed you to give resistance to others with only one glance and gave you amazing reflexes... but the consequences were way too big....

Hearing this made his skin form into hives, anger at despicable things rising even more.

From that way beyond, he promised himself that he would create a cure. It didn't even matter, he just needed a cure for this. A cure for you to stop suffering.

More years went by... he saw your worry at Pops condition, he saw your worry towards him for both being charged with the chore of taking care of the girl and both for him to get the tittle as the big boss.

Yet he couldn't stop. When he discovered Eri's quirk he saw a hint of light on the end of the tunnel. You wouldn't ever need to use thick clothes to protect yourself from vanishing from existence.

The bullets were only experimental. He selled most of them to be used as... experiments. He would use the first serum on you, and this way you could stop this nightmare where many nights you confessed to him... as he confesses his own sins.

You wouldn't like to know about Eri, so he simply erased the idea of telling you that. He never answered your questions on what he was working. His mind fooling him that he wasn't exactly lying to you if he hadn't said anything.

He could only be relieved to graze your skin under only using his gloves... at first he thought it would be enough, but no.

Love is like a damn drug. The more you get, the more you want. And he couldn't help but want more.

The bullets were a success... but he knew heroes were coming towards him. That blonde and green haired kid surely were behind this...

So the least he could do was give you a night to remember if anything went wrong on those next few days.

"A festival?" You asked with wide eyes before gasping at him putting the box on the desk. "Huh?"

"You always talk about them." He answered nonchantly, montioning with his eyes at the box as hs stuffed his hands on his pockets.

You snickered and opened the box carefully before widening your eyes, picking the golden and with traces of shiny green yukata on your hands... you were out of words until you gasped at Chisaki leaving and standing on the door way, giving you only one side eye glance as he spoke before he closed the door.

"I expect you to be ready by 8."

You blinked in shock before softening your gaze, holding the yukata over your body as you could only smile...

You were tired of living this way... if it meant you could spend a night with the man you love normally... so be it.

.

.

.

The sky had a bunch of lanterns and it shined with the lights of it along with the stars. You bounced and walked happily ahead of Chisaki with a basket.

He was always wary of anyone who ever dared to step closer... the yukata covered your legs, chest and arms. But you noisy self insisted on going without gloves and he was actually worried that the material of the yukata he brought wasn't as thick to protect your skin.

Yet he had to only breath in and out, the air making it hotter around the area where his mask was... he had one of the serums in here. With him. Soon he will inject, and gave to you your freedom.

"Ne Kai! Look at that booth over there!" You tugged on the material of his own yukata as his golden nonchantly gaze looked at the mans throing balls and hitting the aims of the booth, winning prices for their kids and partners.

He let out a "tch" before noticing how your eyes shined and how your lips quivered up at seing the stuffed animals the man was giving.

Blinking, he sighed, muttering how he this was a waste of time before he dropped a bunch of coins to the man and grabbed three balls.

You clapped your hands in glee as he threw the three balls and with the most perfection he hit the three aims right on the middle of it.

"Choose." He said nonchantly while grabbing a napkin and wiping his GLOVED hands as you pointed at a cute yet fluffy and chubby penguin. Without the man grabbing the stick, he lifted his hand up and yanked the stuffed animal and hand it to you as you squealed, nuzzling your face on it with glee... making him smile at how innocent and sad this scene was.

Everytime you would look at a treat or just a snack he would buy... you even wondered with wide eyes and mouth full how much he brought to this festival as he only growled for you to not speak with a mouth full.

You were hugging the price Chisaki won to you for warm as he looked at you and stopped, it was on a fair and quite isolated area of the festival so he found the perfect time to give you the medice. Your cure.

"Cold?"

"A bit." You giggled before you saw him taking a box and overhauling it, showing a little red capsule "What's this?"

"... (Y/n).. I despise touch. I really do.. but I can't lie that I wasn't expecting at least to feel a real contact between us, skin to skin... you know how much you affect me? To have me, Chisaki Kai, wanting to at least feel what your skin feels like? Feel how soft those lips are instead of just receiving a quick kiss on my mask..." you blinked, raising a eyebrow with a sad smile.

"I wish I could do this way sooner-" you stopped talking as soon as you heard laughter and voices of childs running and playing around.

"Brats..." chisaki sighed at the sign, a quadruple of two girls and two boys chasing them, the two young girls greeting both of you as the one of the boys screamed after them.

It all happened so fucking fast... the last boy tripped and it was about to fall with his head on a rock... it if it wasn't for your good reflexes the boy would had fall.

"Thank you miss!" The boy mumbled with a smile as you, with both hands on his arms helped him.

His and your eyes were so wide... you looked at him and his gaze was filled with horror.

Your hand started to fade, a bunch of (E/c) butterflies started to form and fly away instead of the hand that was suppose to be there.

He couldn't even fucking move as you looked at him... he expected everything but the huge smile and the sob of happines you let out before jumping on him and hugging him with tears in your eyes.

"Finally I can touch you..!" You sighed with a sob, not feeling your legs anymore.

"(Y/n)-!" He dropped the bullet on the ground and clenched onto your back as his eyes started to burn before you locked his lips so softly, your eyes closed as your image faded away and his eyes wide open...

The last thing he saw was your smile as your body was replaced with lifes and butterflies... his knees gave out when he could only tigger at the yukata he bought for you...

The whole festival was all happy and cheerfully until they heard the shouts of pain of a man inside the peacefull and full of butterflies forest.

A/n: eeyyy dont even need to coment the damn visible reference right? :D

[lambourngb]

piece by piece

❤️ For you, and because I’ve missed you on my dash you get an extra long sneak peak.  This is probably the darkest thing I’ve ever written, and it’s for @ninswhimsy .

***

The room was worryingly plain beige and completely silent with no windows or air vents inside it. The walls were marked with the outline of a single door that had no handle on it to turn. The floor was bare concrete, cold against Michael’s cheek, with only a single reinforced steel eyelet in the middle of the room. His entire body was chilled, it took a long second to realize his clothes were gone completely. Naked on the floor, his hands and feet were cuffed tightly together with a short chain of a few inches locked to it. There was no purchase to move and no means of obtaining any leverage to strike at the eyebolt with his manacled hands. 

The serum that Jones had injected him with was still coursing through his veins, leaving his powers muted and distant from reach. It was worryingly blank in his mind, the trip from the back of the van to this cell, as if he had only been a passenger in control of his feet and body. Jones must have taken control of him, sensing that Michael had planned to try and break free once they had reached the destination for the exchange, he and Isobel for Jones’s ship. 

Bile built up in his mouth, as he pulled uselessly with his arms and kicked with his feet. He had to get free. He had to get to Isobel. Caught in this trap, it took all of Michael’s control to just pull to test for weakness without panicking blindly.

But the panic was close at hand regardless.

He wondered as he paused to catch his breath, noisy and rough in the eerily silent room, if this was how his mother felt the night of the raid at the Long Farm. Subdued and in chains, waiting for her next transfer from the custody of the newly formed Air Force to Caulfield, her final resting place. Had she faced it bravely, knowing that Louise had survived? Did she have some hope of a rescue from Tripp?

Those were thoughts Michael had tried not to have after that glimpse of her intake photo. Her naked body and her terrified expression had haunted him for so long, that he had made an effort to remember how she had died as a comfort to him, so he could avoid thinking of how she had lived. At least she had the hope of Louise escaping, that was more hope than Michael had about her daughter, Isobel.

The door abruptly swung open and Michael tensed in wait before bracing himself to look up and meet the face of his captor. Alex Manes stood in the doorway with an Ipad in hand and wearing an ill-fitting Army uniform with the name tag ‘Manes’.  

“Oh thank god,” Alex breathed, before stepping into the room. “I found you.”

“Fuck, Alex, how- what are you-”

“It’s a long story that I will tell later, first let’s get you out of here,” Alex set the Ipad down on the floor, and examined the chains holding Michael in place. 

“Isobel is here too, Jones got us both. He’s traded us for his ship,” Michael shifted, to try and relieve the strain in his shoulders from his awkward position as Alex felt around for the lock. 

“She’s next door, unconscious but she wasn’t locked up like you are.” A deep frown marred his handsome features as he dug into his pockets for a tool to work against the lock. 

Michael tried for a smirk, “guess I should be flattered, Jones thinks I’m a bigger threat than Isobel.”

“Wasn’t Jones. He already made the trade with Deep Sky. You’re at a satellite location of Area 51.”

“So it’s Area 51 is more than one location? I guess that tracks,” Michael snorted, still trying to hold himself still while Alex worked. 

Alex flashed a brief smile, before continuing grimly, “typical government redundancy. Anyway I used my brother’s ID to get in. He’s staff here, but not a part of the Deep Sky infiltration, or so he claims.”

“I can’t believe Flint volunteered to help me.”

“He didn’t but I still got the information out of him. Kinda sad, but my family is the first stop I make now when shady shit goes down.” Alex cursed long and creatively as the lock remained stubbornly shut to his efforts. 

“Alex,” Michael whispered, the fear was back in full force. They were running out of time to get him free, and then there was Isobel to consider.  He wet his lips, and continued quietly, “You said Isobel wasn’t locked up? Just unconscious?”

Alex Manes might not have his genius level IQ but he wasn’t stupid either as Michael’s meaning instantly landed. His head shot up with fierce denial. “You are out of your mind, no, I am not leaving you here!”

“Please,” Michael’s eyes darted to the still open-door to avoid the anguish on Alex’s face. He knew what he was asking. “I need you to save my sister, okay? Get her out of here if you can.”

“Michael,” Alex squeezed his eyes shut, his iron-clad composure gone. There were some sounds starting up in the background. The window of opportunity to escape had narrowed and they both knew it.

“Baby, please.” It was a low blow to use an old endearment on Alex. They were just friends now, with Alex only recently single after dating a string of men from Roswell to Albuquerque, Forrest Long having just been the icebreaker. Michael had been content to wait then, watching as Alex grew into his confidence and learned what he wanted out of life. It was clear to both of them that it was only a matter of time before the solid friendship they shared shifted back into intimacy again. Real, open and forever intimacy. 

Of course, that was before Michael found himself locked in place awaiting a transfer as a lab subject.

“I can’t-”

“You can, you can do hard things, love. You’ve always been stronger than me when it comes to that.” Michael licked his lips again, feeling sick at what he had to say next but he knew he had little choice. There were never any choices for him. At least not good ones. “I promise, I won’t be mad, okay? Leave me, you can leave me one more time to save Iz, and then come back for me if you can, but only if she’s safe.”

“You sonuvabitch,” Alex breathed, a tear streaking down his face even as he shook his head in denial. 

“I know I am.”

[whumphoarder]

do you have any more peter emeto fics? not like anything super graphic but just like him spending the night in the bathroom w tony taking care of him type beat

I made a rec list for this already, but here are some new additions:

The Strongest Avenger by MelissaBosquez

What happens when a Spider-baby challenges you to an eating contest to determine who the real strongest Avenger is? You kick his ass of course.

OR

Peter issues a challenge. There are no winners. Except for maybe Rhodey, holder of the only brain cell.

Flying High by sparksaam

Peter ends up getting more than he bargained for when he attends Flash's party alone.

six words you never understood by @stupidwithu

Peter gets sick for the first time in a long time and nobody seems to believe him.

Not What We Planned by AllThingsGeeky

“Could you write a sick!fic kind of from Pepper’s perspective where her and Tony are on a date but Peter gets sick and she has to help take care of him?”

A little broken by @xxx-cat-xxx

Over a year after defeating Thanos and almost losing Tony, Peter is still haunted by the final battle. In an attempt to outrun the memories, he starts college far from New York.

It takes a visit from his mentor and an ill-timed flu bug that brings them both to their knees until Peter realises that he doesn’t have to take on the whole world alone.

Summertime Sickness by Spideysickfics

An Irondad camping trip and sickfic to soothe your soul

Condiments can't play doctor by 14million_constellations

Peter gets food poisoning, and guess who's there to take care of him. Good thing Tony loves the kid so damn much.

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater by @frostysunflowers

''Dying.''

''You’re not dying.''

''Totally am.''

''God, I hope not, otherwise May will skin me alive.''

or

A weekend visit to the cabin doesn't go according to plan.

give the cookies a miss by @searchingforstarss

“Surprise!” Morgan exclaims as soon as they’re both in the room. She gestures excitedly towards a few slightly sad looking lumps of something drenched in icing and severed onto sticks. There are sprinkles as well, which look like they might have been a nice touch to cheer the entire thing up, had the majority of them not ended up scattered around the surrounding bench space.

“Daddy and I made cookie pops! Well, I made them, he just helped me use the big scary whisk-y thingy. They’re for Katie’s birthday party tomorrow because we all have to bring something yummy to eat, and Daddy wanted to do regular cookies but I told him that was boring. So we made these instead!”

--

or, Peter is poisoned by the ones he trusts most.

[oikawasass]

Okay so this is based on the end of this story so I highly suggest you go read that if you haven’t.

do I really have to go?

‣ pairing : bakugo x fem reader.

‣ oneshot.

‣ synopsis : a trip down memory lane.

‣ wordcount : 1.9k+

‣ warnings : angst, character death, swearing.

“Y/n…” Katsuki’s strained voice choked out, waiting for a response. He didn’t receive one.

“Y/n. Answer me.” He spoke more stern this time with a shake to her body, hoping this was some sick joke and a serious tone of voice would force her into an answer.

It didn’t work.

Katsuki’s body fell on top of her, head resting atop her chest as he felt like he was about to be sick to his stomach. There was a sharp, yet empty feeling in his gut, it felt like someone had just stabbed him.

No more calls of her name left his lips, no more shaking her body while trying to wake her up, it all stopped. Now he was left alone, shattered into what he felt was a million pieces. She was gone. And here he was, laying on top of the near mangled body of his first love, still holding her cold and limp hand to his cheek while he felt something build up and sting deep in his throat.

As his hearing went fuzzy, and all he could hear was his own racing heartbeat in his ears, Katsuki screamed.

Katsuki screamed out of the sheer ache and torment his body felt as she lay lifeless in his arms.

Yet to Bakugo’s own knowledge, she was seated right beside him, head rested gently atop the back of his shoulder, as calm as she could be. Or should I say, her spirit was.

It was weird to her, seeing herself laying so pale and torn up on the ground in front of her. But what was really tugging at her heartstrings, was the way Katsuki was sobbing on top of her. The way he was struggling to breathe between the agonizing noises that left his chest while continuing to shake her and beg- no, plead for her to just wake up.

“He’s never cried like this before. . .” Y/n muttered quietly, turning her head to get a better look at her boyfriend. The blonde looked so. . .so broken. She’d never wanted to see him in such a state of vulnerability and pain, yet here she was, being the cause of it.

“He loved you.” The tall, dark figure behind her, who’d she’d been becoming rather acquainted with up until now, spoke up. Y/n slowly nodded her head in response. “You were the only one he’d ever loved like that.”

Y/n smiled softly at his words, yet shook her head slowly. “You don’t have to rub it in, y’know. This already sucks enough as it is.” A sad chuckle fell from her lips. “I don’t wanna leave like this either.”

She lifted her head up once the familiar ringing of sirens blasted from somewhere in the distance, signalling that help was finally near. If only they’d come a bit sooner, huh?

“L/n, we have to go. It’s been long enough.” The voice of the shadowed figure was surprisingly soft, almost comforting with how deep and smooth it was. It seems as if it was rather fitting for the job he had; welcoming, comforting and bringing newly released spirits to the other side.

“Just. . . just a little longer? Please?” Y/n gently rose her hand to cup the cheek of Bakugo, the one of which he wasnt holding her body’s hand against. “Will I still get to see him once we go?” She asked hopefully, turning to look up at the man beside her. “Like, to watch over him?”

“I'm afraid I can’t answer that, L/n.” He responded, walking towards her and slowly sitting cross-legged beside her. “However, there is one thing you get to observe before we go.”

Suddenly, everything around the two began to twist and contort, almost as if someone was spinning the scenery around them. Now, they were no longer in the snow-covered ground beside Katsuki and the body she once occupied.

They were in the room of class 2-A, her classroom.

Y/n blinked in confusion, looking around the classroom she very sadly wouldn’t find herself returning to.

No more of Kaminari and Jirou’s flirting bickering, no more of Kirishima yelling about how manly something he saw a fellow classmate do was, or Izuku and Uraraka turning beat red with every word they spoke to each other.

No more Aoyama pretending he was French and sophisticated when everyone knew otherwise, or Mina’s cute smile and bubbly attitude lighting up the room. She wouldn’t be able to watch Iida scold Tokoyami for sitting on the desks, or giggle in amusement when she noticed Tsuyu zone out in class as her tongue fell out of the side of her mouth.

There wouldn’t be another time where she watched Ojiro blush like a madman when Denki would start rubbing his tail, or when Hagakure’s uniform sleeves would flail around in the air as she told the boy ‘not to be weird’ while Sero was laughing like an idiot in the background.

Sato would no longer be able to offer her any of the delicious sweets he’d made that day, and she could say goodbye to Koda letting her pet some of the animals he’d been surrounded by on those sweet summer mornings.

She wouldn’t be able to smile at Todoroki happily slurping his soba noodles, while he and Yaomomo sat in the back of the class having a peaceful conversation amidst all the chaos during lunch. She was no longer there to notice the small smile under Shoji’s mask as he couldn’t deny the fondness that had grown within him for the people in his class, hell, even no more Mineta around to pester and bother her with his pervy comments and actions, only to have Bakugo threaten the little grape every time he tried something.

And finally, no more Y/n and Bakugo to make the rest of the class feel ‘hopelessly single’ as Kaminari used to say.

“I thought I told you not to rub it in.” Y/n said, smiling sadly when all the memories of her class were shown before her. God, she already missed them so much. She no longer had a heart, but she couldn’t deny the ache deep in her chest at the memories of her friends surfacing.

“Keep watching.”

“Oi, shitty girl.” Bakugo said, approaching her with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his baggy uniform pants. She turned her attention away from Denki, Jirou, Sero and Mina to look at the blonde who now stood before her.

“What’s u- woah okay!” Bakugo had grabbed her wrist, pulling her up from her seat and leading her out of the classroom before anyone else could make note of their exit together.

“Well you could’ve just asked me to follow y-” “Just shut the hell up and listen, will you?”

Y/n clamped her mouth shut, nodding and motioning for him to continue.

“I-” he sighed, rolling his eyes and scuffing one of his feet against the polished floor beneath him.

“I like you, okay?”

“....”

“Me?”

“Yes you, idiot! Who the hell else is around?!”

“Like, you like like me?”

“You’re such an idiot- yes!”

“Shut up I just wanna make sure!”

“Tch. Listen-!!”

Katsuki was cut off by the feeling of soft, plush lips against his own.

“Well, ill have you know that I like you too, blasty.”

“That's when he confessed back in our first year. . .”

The same spinning illusion they’d gone through before repeated, this time bringing them into the downtown area Y/n used to live by. A light sheet of snow covered the ground as more continued to fall from the sky, the orange and pink colours coming from the setting sun above them illuminating the city.

“Wait, is this the spot that he-”

“Katsu!” Y/n yelled, running to keep up with her boyfriend who’d now walked quite a few steps ahead of her.

“You couldn’t even wait for me to finish tying my boot- woah!” Y/n cut herself off as she slipped on a small spot of ice in her rush to catch up, expecting to be met with the wet and cold concrete street beneath her. Instead, she was engulfed by a large, warm pair of arms catching her before she got the chance.

“Careful, dumbass! You almost ate shit there!”

“Oh please, I would’ve been fine.”

“You’re so damn clumsy. You’re lucky I love you or I’d kick the hell out of you for not watching where you’re g. . the hell are you smiling like that for?”

“You said you love me.”

“Well-” Bakugo bit the inside of his cheek, looking down at his girlfriend who was still wrapped up in his arms.

“Well, it's not like I was lying, idiot.”

Y/n leaned up to kiss him softly, smiling against his lips.

“I love you too.”

“Man, you’re really giving me a hard time here, huh?”

The scenery around them faded to another time, Y/n instantly recognizing where she was and feeling herself reach for her left ring finger when she did.

It was summer, and it was dark. The stars were out, beautifully on bright display for everyone beneath them. She and Katsuki were sat on the U.A. rooftops, admiring the beautiful constellations above them. It was right after they had finished celebrating their one year

“Hey, I got you something.” Katsuki quietly broke the silence between them, reaching into the pocket of his hoodie, (one Y/n had surprisingly not stolen) and pulled out a small, rectangular box, handing it over to her.

“What's this?”

“Open it, dummy.”

Y/n chuckled softly, opening the box to reveal two silver rings, one slightly larger than the other. She felt her eyes go a little wide in surprise as she looked up to her boyfriend.

“Are these. . .” “Promise rings.” Bakugo confirmed, taking the smaller ring out of the box and holding his hand out for Y/n’s to which she gave to him. He slowly slid the ring onto her left ring finger, it was a perfect fit.

“Or just call them. . . place holders.”

“Place holders until what?”

“Until I can put a real ring on your finger, obviously.”

“He always used to swear he was gonna marry me.” Y/n chuckled sadly, placing a hand over her chest as the ache slowly began to fade away. Seeing all the most amazing memories and sweet moments they shared together, it made her feel as if she could leave on a good note. A small smile graced her face as she nodded, finally understanding the purpose of the small journey she was taken on.

Suddenly, she was back in the present, where Katsuki now sat pressed up against the ambulance doors alone, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest and a shadowed cast over his eyes. A few bandages littered his cheeks, signalling he’d already been treated. Y/n paid no mind to the black body bag a few feet away from him.

Y/n went over and sat beside him, resting her head on his shoulder and hugging his waist, just like she always did when he was upset. Katsuki felt a small chill, rubbing gently at his arms to make the goosebumps he felt go away.

“Its time, L/n.”

“. . .Do I really have to go?”

“I'm afraid so.”

Y/n nodded slowly, placing a soft kiss to Bakugo’s cheek. Bakugo scratched the surface of his face at the sudden tickle against his skin.

“Okay, I think I'm ready.”

[racebox-of-higgars]

as the world caves in - Sprace Oneshot

Listened to as the world caves in x cancer, wrote this. 

Crossposted on Ao3 (find me there at Racebox_of_Higgars)

TW for terminal illness.

Race’s hand was heavy in Spot’s, despite his frail from. The small hospital bed seemed to swallow him, and it was a shocking contrast to Race’s usual larger-than-life personality. His curling hair was thinning and stuck to his forehead with sweat. His cheeks were hollow, eyes gaunt. One of Spot’s hands trailed through those curls which hadn’t been washed in weeks, but he couldn’t care less. The other clung to Race’s like a lifeline. He wasn’t gonna let go, he couldn’t let go. They both knew this was the end.

“It hurts,” Race whispered, voice hoarse. They’d unhooked him from the machines giving him painkillers about an hour ago, so he would be feeling it now. Spot had asked him why he didn’t want the painkillers. He wanted to be able to focus on Spot, he had said, and it was almost bittersweet. The knowledge that Race loved him enough that he wanted to spend his final moments focused just on Spot made his chest hurt, but then there was the fact that these were his final moments. Race was leaving him, and he didn’t know what he was gonna do after that. Up until now, his entire life had revolved around Race. He didn’t know what he was gonna do when his boy was gone.

“I know it does baby, it’s gonna ease soon, you won’t have to hurt anymore,” Spot said, tears brimming behind his eyes, but he forced them down. He wasn’t gonna break, he couldn’t. he couldn’t waste what little time he had left with the love of his life.

It felt weird referring to Race as the love of his life. All things considered; he still had his whole life ahead of him. Race, on the other hand… His throat burned with the effort of keeping his sobs at bay. Christ, they were only 17. They were meant to have their whole lives ahead of them. Race was meant to open his dance studio, Spot would go to law school, they would get married, maybe get a dog. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. They weren’t meant to end in a hospital room.

Spot went to sit on the bed, to wrap his arms around Race. If it had to end this way, it was going to end with Race in Spot’s arms. Spot wanted it to be easy. Race shook his head though.

“Don’t, please.” It was barely audible. “I-I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s already hard enough, having to leave you, I mean. I can’t.” Spot’s heart sank, but he stepped away slightly, keeping his grip on Race’s hand. He needed that, at least, just to ground him. He was terrified that if he let go, Race would slip away completely.

That’s when the reality of it finally set in. To them, this was their Doomsday. This was their last day together, ever. Soon, the nurses would come in and usher Spot away, and it would be over. He’d never see Race’s smile again, or hear his bright laugh, or watch him dance, or see the way he lit up completely when he came up with one of his crazy ideas.

The boy in the bed was so different to the Race he knew. They were completely different people. Race was vibrant, funny, witty, flirty, and he always had a sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue. He was a technicolour wonder in Spot’s otherwise grey life. The boy in the bed though, he could barely muster the strength to speak anymore, let alone conjure an insult. God, Spot never thought he’d wish to hear Race call him a dork again, but now he’d give anything for it. He would trade all his tomorrows to have his Race back, not this half-formed shadow of a boy he loves.

“I’m sorry,” Race murmured. “You don’t want to be here. It’s awful.” Spot closed his other hand over Race’s, fighting the ocean behind his eyes threatening to consume him, threatening to drag him under and never let him resurface. He wasn’t going to break now. “I’m awful,” Race continued, barely audible.

“You’re not, Tony,” Spot didn’t often use Race’s real name, or anything close to it, but now didn’t feel like the right time for nicknames. “You’re not awful. This isn’t your fault.”

“M’sorry anyway. You don’t have to be here.” Spot clasped Tony’s hand tighter.

“I’m always gonna be here. I promised I’ll be here until the end, didn’t I?” He still remembered that day in the park, lying in the grass, bathing in the sun, watching as it illuminated Tony’s curls like a halo. Funny how things turn out. Tony had asked him if he was gonna stick around, looking up at him with those eyes like rivers, sometimes fast and angry, sometimes rocky and violent, but now they were slow, and hopeful. Spot had promised him that he’d always be there, until the end. That day felt like forever ago now. Normalcy felt like forever ago. It felt like years of hospital rooms and tears and doctors and diagnoses. He longed for one more date outside this cramped white room, but they wouldn’t get that. They wouldn’t get anything that they should have had.

“Yeah, but we didn’t think it was gonna end like this, did we?”

“It doesn’t matter.” There was silence for a moment, save for the vigilant beeping of the heart rate monitor.

“We were supposed to get married.” Tony said, voice cracking, and Spot’s dam nearly broke, but he didn’t, not yet. “We were meant to be it. But now I’m never getting out of this bed. We were supposed to be forever.” And they were forever, for Tony. But Spot would have to keep going, without his constant – without the one thing that kept him grounded. How was he gonna do it?

“It’s gonna be alright, I promise.” He wasn’t sure how much he believed that promise, but he would make it anyway. Anything to comfort Tony now.

“I’m scared,” Tony said, and he sounded it too. His voice was so small, so unsure. Spot leant down to press a kiss to Tony’s forehead. Truth was, Spot was scared too, he was terrified. He didn’t know how he was gonna cope after all this. Tony had been such a big part of Spot’s life for so many years, he couldn’t imagine life without him. It was like losing a part of himself. The part of him that loved, that cherished, that laughed, it was being ripped away from him.

“It’s going to be okay,” Spot tried to comfort him, but he didn’t know that it would be the truth. He had no idea what was going to come, for him or for Tony, but he would do his best to comfort him while he still could. The painkillers were supposed to ease the pain of it all, but Tony had insisted on not having them.

“You – you see those movies about it, y’know, the fault in our stars, all that stuff, but you never think it’s gonna happen to you,” Tony said. “It always seems like some sad fantasy, not something real.” He laughed bitterly, which just sent him into a coughing fit. Each cough sounded painful, like each one stabbed a knife into Tony’s lungs. Tony covered his mouth with a tissue, and it came away red when he was done. He simply wrinkled his nose and threw it away, no longer fazed by it. He ploughed on. “When you watch or read those things, you never think it’s gonna happen to you. And then it does, and even then it’s so much worse than what you read about or what they show you. It hurts so much more. Not just, like, physically, but emotionally too. It’s like you, and Jack, and Albert, I’ve seen all of you breaking apart because of all this and I hate it. I hate that I’m causing you all to

hurt.” Spot saw the tears brimming in Tony’s eyes, and he couldn’t keep himself from wrapping Tony’s tiny frame in his arms.

“It’s not your fault,” he said, looking Tony in the eyes. “It’s never gonna be your fault.”

“It just,” Tony paused for a moment, searching for the right words. “The worst part isn’t the pain, the hardest part of all this is leaving you.” Part of Spot understood what Tony was saying, but the other part couldn’t help but be jealous. Not that he was sick, Spot wouldn’t wish what he’d seen Tony go through on anybody, but that he was the one who was leaving. After today, Tony wouldn’t have to worry about anything, he would just slip away, but Spot had to keep going without Tony. Spot would have to wake up every morning knowing it would be another day where he wouldn’t get to see Tony’s smile or hear him laugh. He longed for one more 3am text message with some crazy idea, or another Pirate of The Caribbean night, even though Spot hated those movies. It wasn’t supposed to end.

“I’m sorry,” Tony said again, finally letting a tear slip through. “It wasn’t meant to turn out this way.” Spot brushed away his tears with his thumb, somehow holding him even tighter.

It was meant to end when they were old and grey. Tony would have his dance studio and he would cultivate the passion for dance in his students just like his teacher had done for him. A few months ago, Spot could’ve seen it. He could see Tony leading a class through turns and leaps and spins, helping his students through every trip and fall. Now, that vision was unattainable. It was a vision that Spot had grasped for, maybe to hide from the reality of all this, but he couldn’t reach it anymore. Spot was meant to be a lawyer, and they were going to have that white picket fence house in the suburbs. Now Spot couldn’t even go to college after he had failed his exams. He had spent so much time going to each of Tony’s appointments, he hadn’t had the time to study for anything. If he could go back, he’d it all over again, exactly the same. Cherishing every moment he got to spend with Tony was more important than any stupid exam, especially knowing how limited their time really was.

“You don’t have to apologise for anything,” Spot reassured him, “as long as I get to have all the time I can with you, I’ll take it.” Silent tears cascaded down Tony’s cheeks, and Spot gently ran his fingers through Tony’s hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“We were meant to have forever.”

Silence hung over them, except for the steady beeping of the heart rate monitor.

“I’m tired,” Tony finally said, and his eyelids drooped. Spot’s heart dropped. He knew that the second Tony fell asleep, that would be it. It would be over.

“You can go to sleep, Tony, I’ll be right here when you wake up.” They both knew that there would be no waking up at the end of this.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, I’m not going anywhere.” Tony looped his arms around Spot’s waist, kissing him softly for a few moments before pulling away.

“Ti amo, Spot,” he said in his native language. Spot wouldn’t admit it, but he had been learning Italian for Tony, just to feel closer to him. Soon, the language would be all he had left.

“Ti amo, Antonio.” The use of Tony’s full name had an air of finality, and Spot hated it. He hated all of this.

Tony fell asleep peacefully, but still Spot wouldn’t let him go.

The heart rate monitor flatlined.

Nurses came in, solemn.

Antonio Matteo Higgins-Folliero was pronounced dead at 15:47 on September 26th, 2021.

Spot was ushered from the room.

He let himself be dragged away.

The door swung shut behind him.

He would never see Antonio again.

His entire world caved in.

He finally let himself break.

[honestlyhufflepuff]

Here are 20 reasons I am leaving the caregiver job with the client I've had since 2008: a list of unprofessional behavior and abuse by my client's guardian.

1. She said I wasn't Christian anymore, and said I was disrespecting my mother, for leaving the church I was raised in.

2. During the first year of employment, she would yell at me multiple times a week over things like leaving a lamp on (this is while I was caring for her medically fragile, high needs adult daughter). She would accuse me of being incompetent or trying to get fired for unemployment.

3. She told me I was not approved off for my honeymoon, less than a month beforehand, when I gave her over 5 months notice with consistent reminders. She harassed me over several texts while I was on my honeymoon saying I would be fired if I did not return a week earlier than I was supposed to.

4. She told me I still had to come in when I was sick and vomiting because she did not believe me. I became dehydrated and was vomiting so much that I had uncontrollable dry heaving and was unable to drive home. She refused to come home early when I told her of my symptoms, and when she did come home to see me retching into her trash can, she started handing me cleaning supplies to disinfect the trash can and the entire bathroom before I went to the emergency room...

5. ...there was no apology or ownership in forcing a sick employee to work to the point of needing to be hospitalized. She would not accept that I could not come into work for the next 3 days until my husband delivered the doctor's note.

6. I worked there throughout college, and would present my new school schedule each semester. For one class, I made the mistake of scheduling it after work. She said the schedule worked with her, but then consistently got home 30 min to and hour late. I missed so many classes that I had to withdraw.

7. Even after the hospitalization mentioned in #3, she would continue to be skeptical of any time I called in sick over the years (which wasn't often). I had no PTO or sick leave to use even when I was full time, so when I took off I didn't get paid. I was never approved to take off for any reason, and when I did take off it was accompanied by a massive guilt trip about how I was putting her family in a bind. It did not matter if it was a vacation, an illness, a doctor's appointment, or a family emergency. It also did not matter how much or little notice I gave; the guilt trips and emotional manipulation still accompanied any time I needed off. To this day, with every job I've had, I am always incredibly anxious about asking off, but it's never been a problem anywhere else I've worked.

8. Emotionally manipulative things she has said to get me to stay:

-"We don't have anyone else. I have to go to my job in order to care for [client's name]. You would be jeopardizing my job by leaving, and her well being." (If pressed she eventually admits to not looking for anyone else)

-"[Client's name] loves you like a sister, and her quality of life would go down significantly without you..." continues to tell me that if I don't do what she wants then I don't love or care for the client, even if it is because I need a job with higher pay and benefits to support my own family.

-"I thought the two of us were friends. This is very selfish of you." (Any time I don't do what she wants, like continuing to go to school full time).

-"God has put her in your life for a reason. You are called as spiritual sisters. It's your responsibility to care for her."

-"In the real world-the business world- other people won't be ok with you just taking off without approval. It's insubordinate and unprofessional." I was only 18 when she told me this, and young enough to believe her. Once again, I've literally never had a problem taking off with any other client or job because I often had PTO, and was always able to obtain leave approval easily. Even when it meant the client parent had to take off from work, they understood that the onus was on them to find the needed staff to account for people needing sick days and vacation.

9. She puts me in the middle of personal drama, constantly bad-mouthing the client's father and other attendants (who all inevitably leave after a year or two at most).

10. Told me, after a decade of infertility, that God told her I would become pregnant and have a son I was to name Amos. She said it would only become true if I prayed about it, so now when I most likely don't become pregnant, I feel it will be blamed on my lack of faith- or the fact that I am a different faith from her. I feel this instance was truly out of good intention, but ultimately unprofessional and something I would have preferred she keep to herself.

11. For years, she never got home when she said she would. I could never make plans after work because she would agree to come home at 7 and sometimes not make it home until 8:30. She always blamed traffic, needing to run an errand, or her boss keeping her. Then, when I had my own child I had to pick up from an after school program, she consitently got home on time. This showed me that she did have the executive functioning skills to be on time, but did not respect my personal time or work with other clients enough to do so before I was a parent.

12. I bent over backwards trying to help her. I scheduled less time with higher paying clients that were lower need. I sometimes worked 60 hour weeks while I was also in school. It never felt like it was enough. Even for the time I was working there 6 hours a week it was always "Why can't you stay later? Where do you have to be?" The more I gave, the more was expected, and then I was guilted for not meeting that higher expectation.

13. She refused to take the time to have team meetings with other service providers and caregivers, despite the fact all my other client families do this, and keep staff much more consistently as a result. Because of this, information and instructions were always inconsistent. With the client being significantly behaviorally challenged and medically fragile, this was at everyone's detriment.

14. Over the years, I referred 3 friends to work for her because she insisted she could not find caregivers on her own. All 3 of them lasted less than a year due to her behavior. She would then blame them and trash talk them to me, despite knowing I was still friends with them.

15. She expected caregivers to also deep clean the house. We are talking hours worth of work, that there just was not time for within the shift while also meeting the needs of the client.

16. She is openly homophobic, xenophobic, and although she thinks of herself as "not racist," she was extremely weird towards my besf friend's African fiancé. She refused to shake his hand and told me she didn't think he was with her for the "right reasons." Maybe thought he was in it for a green card? She seemed skeptical when I told her that he became a citizen 2 years prior, and that they'd been dating 6 years.

17. She has systematically isolated my adult client more and more over the years. We used to share many interests in things like Harry Potter, early 2000's pop, anime, Harajuku fashion, Adventure Time, Steven Universe, etc. One by one, everything we bonded over was off limits, due to being a "bad influence" or "demonic." She is no longer allowed to engage in any age-expected media unless it is explicitly Christian, and it breaks my heart to see how sad she gets about that.

18. When I was in college, and completely broke after just paying for books and classes, she said that she wanted me to go to the water park with her and the client. Admission was $50. I assumed she was paying since I was being required to go for work, and this was always what was done in the past. In the car, I asked if I could ride a roller coaster that the client wouldn't be able to go on while they ate ice cream. She said "Sure! You can ride whatever you like!"

So, I start getting excited. We're chatting pleasantly until the moment when she says "OK, when we get out of the car, you can go pay for your ticket first, and then I will bring..."

My stomach dropped. I told her there was a misunderstanding, and that I could not afford my ticket. She acted like it wasn't right that she should have to pay for mine. I told her that if she didn't want to, then I could study at the Starbucks across the street while they attended the park. She said no, because obviously she still wanted my help with her daughter. She paid for my ticket, making passive aggressive comments the whole time about everything I did, from how I pushed the wheelchair to how long I took to go to the bathroom despite the line.

I was no longer permitted to go ride the roller coaster, and I sat in silence while they ate their ice cream.

19. Recently, due to Covid, I do not have child care for my own daughter on Fridays. I have been bringing her to work with me, which my client's mom was supportive of. Then the client had drastic behavioral changes that I won't detail, but that O can say was significantly stressful on my daughter, and made it stressful for me to manage both of them at the same time. I told the mother, 2 weeks in advance, that I could not come in on Fridays until the behavior was consistently resolved. I do not want to get a sitter outside of maybe my aunt, due to covid, and I wouldn't expect her to do that every week. My client's mom was very understanding of this at first, seeing as we both now have special needs children, but the night before the next Friday I was scheduled to come in she berated me for not finding babysitting to the point that I started to panic. I firmly told her that I gave her plenty of notice, and then blocked her number up until the day I was scheduled to come back in.

20. When she is home at the same time I am helping her daughter, she micromanages everything. I think she is incapable of just letting me do the same work I've been doing for over a decade without standing over my shoulder and looking for something wrong.

Some background info:

I wanted to write this, first of all, to document all the reasons that I am justified in leaving, so that I can refer back to it no matter how hard she tries to get me to stay. This is like my anonymous way of getting it off my chest since no one who follows me on here knows me irl. Second of all, I want all the young professionals on here to know that, if they are treated like this in the work place, it is ok to leave!

I started working for this family when I was 18, and I am now 31. I have worked as many as 60 hour weeks, and as little as twice a month when I was full time with the state, but I have always cared for her in some capacity since 2008. I am currently working 15-20 hours a week with her.

You may wonder why I've stayed so long, and in regards to that I will say first of all that abusive relationships are hard to leave. The abuser may convince you that you are bad and won't find anywhere else good enough to take you. This can pertain to any type of relationship, be it romantic, professional, parental, or friends.

Another factor is that I love my client deeply, and my employer takes advantage of that. We grew up childhood friends, which is one reason maintaining professional boundaries with this family has been so hard.

The last reason I have stayed may be the hardest to explain, but I will try.

Sometimes she is good. My employer has made improvements over the years. Most of the worst things on here happened when I was in college. I don't know if her improvement is due to a genuine change in heart, or because she knows deep down that her behavior is why all the other caregivers left.

Whatever the reason, we do actually care for each other. We do actually connect and have a good time. She is kind to my husband and my daughter. She often tells me that I am a godsend to her family, a loyal and talented caregiver, and the best friend her daughter has ever had (although she will contradict this the moment I am not doing what she wants).

What I want people in similar situations to know is that the good moments do not erase the trauma of the bad ones. It is not my responsibility to "get over it" because she is trying to do better. A lot of the stuff she has said and done run too deep, and when she lapses into her old ways, I find myself reacting in a panic-driven, irritable way that's not really me. It's a reaction to trauma. I am not required to continue to stay at an underpaid job with an environment that evokes such emotions.

So please, if you are being treated like this in your job, then leave. You will find something else. For me, I intend to have another job lined up before leaving, but I'm on my way. For the first time in years, I've revamped my resumé, and it felt so empowering to work on a document that highlights my strengths!

For anyone in a similar position, you've got this. There are a lot of great jobs out there. There are a lot of humane employers. If you are treated like this, then label it for what it is. It is abuse. It is unhealthy. It is not ok. It is not erased by the times they are nice. And you deserve better.